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A Letter To is a feature where I write a letter to something. This thing may be a person, or a character, a book, or an author (or something else entirely, like a TV show). In essence, A Letter To is a way to convey my emotions for whatever/whomever the letter is written to. I would like to thank Cee for inspiring this feature.

Today’s letter is to:

Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell

Before you begin reading this letter, I warn you: it is going to be very personal and you will probably find out things about me you never needed to know. So, if you’re iffy about uber personal posts, get outta here while you still can (unless you’re Rainbow, in which case I really want you to read this).

Dear Fangirl,

Where do I even begin? Do I start with the fact that I think Rainbow Rowell somehow found me, watched me, and then wrote a book about me? Or do I start with the fact that you’re not a sad book but that after I closed you, I sobbed uncontrollably? I’m not entirely sure where to start, so I’ll just try and say everything that you mean to me.

Cath is me. Swap out absent mother with an absent father, a best friend who decided to spread her wings instead of a twin sister, and replace Simon + Baz with Merlin + Arthur, and there I am. Chiara.

Everything about Cath, I just got. I got that she didn’t feel the need to spread her wings when she went to college. I got that she’d rather write her fanfic than do her college assignments. I got that groups of people terrified her. I got that she wanted to take care of her dad. I got that she still wanted her old relationship with Wren. I got it all. I just got it.

When Cath started to feel as if she didn’t know Wren anymore, and that she couldn’t tell Wren the things she once did, and when she felt as if Wren was making fun of her precious things … I know how she felt. Because I’ve been there. I’ve been pushed aside for parties and new friends. I’ve felt like people were no longer there for me. I’ve felt that they demeaned the things that I love with a passion. I’ve been through it all.

There is one thing I didn’t get, though. One thing I haven’t been through and what I don’t understand. And that’s Levi. A boy who completely accepts Cath for who she is, and doesn’t try to change her. A boy who listens to her fanfiction. A boy who is everything I want, and everything I fear I will never have.

And that’s why I was crying. Because I have been through everything Cath has been through. The hurt, the confusion, the betrayal, the fear. But I don’t have a Levi. I’ve never had a Levi, and I worry that I never will, either. I’m afraid. Probably more afraid than even Cath was, of sharing who I really am with someone. Of them not accepting me. Because I haven’t had a Levi. And I know he wasn’t perfect, but after the incident, I just knew that he would never do something like that again. That he would never betray Cath, and that he would always be there. I’ve had someone who betrayed me, and was never there for me. Who broke my already hundred-times broken trust.

And that’s another thing I got with Cath. She didn’t trust anyone. I don’t trust anyone, either. I don’t trust a damn soul with anything. Because every time I have, it’s just been thrown back in my face.

I cried because Cath got a happy ending. Wren came back to her, and she had Levi. My friend isn’t ever coming back to me, and I don’t know if I’ll ever find my version of Levi – I don’t even know if he exists.

I cried because I am Cath, and even though you’re fiction, Fangirl, you give me hope that maybe, just maybe, there is a Levi waiting for me. Maybe I won’t always be alone.

But maybe there isn’t, as well. Maybe Levi is so perfect because he’s fictional. Maybe I won’t ever find someone who reads my fanfic, or at the very least accepts it without ridicule or shaming me. So I cried because of that, too.

But mainly I cried because I want that. I want that more than I care to admit, more than I should. And you made me want it even more because I never had even dared to imagine someone like Levi existing, because I am scared that they don’t. Or if they do, they won’t be for me. They’ll be for someone else.

I don’t really know what else I want to say in this letter, Fangirl. Except that you have an incredibly special place in my heart, and you will always be there. Maybe if I’m feeling particularly bitter and down about everything that is happening to me, I can open your pages and you can comfort me and give me hope that one day it will all look up, and that I will find my place. One day.

All my love,

sig-chiara

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Posted on: April 23, 2014 • By: Chiara

23 Responses to A Letter To: Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell

  1. Lesley Marie says:

    *BIG HUG* I can really relate to you right now, Chiara. A girl I used to be very close friends with is starting to really distance herself from me… I know that people outgrow each other, but it makes me worried about my other friendships and I do feel a little betrayed. Like, this was the girl that I loved spending time with and now she is always getting irritated with me and even tells me to shut up sometimes.

    Okay, so, uh, now that I typed it all out, my situation isn’t very similar to yours. Sorry about that… Anyways. I am so sad that you feel like people demean your passions. That’s just messed up. Lots of my friends are fangirls, so while I have gotten the occasional eye-roll and “that’s dumb” from other people, I have never felt like I was alone, and knowing that you do makes me feel so sad.

    Really, we should all be free to do what we love doing, even if it is obsessively writing and reading awesome fanfics, shipping characters like there is no tomorrow, and just being fangirly. And we should all be able to trust people and get support. And I hope that you find your Levi, because you really, really deserve one… Preferably a Levi that doesn’t only just accept your passions but joins in on them.

    I know that this comment is rambly, but I just needed to say something. You’re really awesome, Chiara, and I love the fangirl you and just you in general. So. Keep being a fangirl. Keep being passionate. Keep being you. And the blogging community will be your online Levi <3

    Oh, and have you ever thought of joining a club or going to conventions? My best friend's older brother is quite the fanboy and he has found a group of friends that share his passions by getting into one and going to conventions :D I'm not sure how easy this would be for you, though, the availability of clubs differs in different places…

    Another question I have: WHAT SHOWS ARE YOU INTO!? LETS SEE IF WE SHARE FANGIRL-OBSESSIONS! *ahem*

    • Chiara says:

      *BIG HUG BACK* <3

      It is similar. We've both been let down by people we thought cared about us. And I'm sorry that's happening to you, Lesley :(

      I'm glad your friends are fangirls, though! It's awful when people don't understand your passions.

      I hope I find my Levi, too, and thank you for hoping for me, as well. It means so much, lovely.

      There are a few clubs at my uni, but I don't know what they're like, haha. I'm glad your brother was able to find like minded people, though! That's awesome.

      YAY FOR FANGIRLING. So Merlin is pretty much my #1. I also love Supernatural, LOST, Sherlock, Dawson's Creek, Veronica Mars, Sarah Connor Chronicles and soooooo many more, haha. What about you? ^.^

      And seriously, this comment was so lovely, and it really meant a lot me <3 <3 <3

      • Lesley Marie says:

        Oh, it’s getting better now. I apologized (though I didn’t really think I was the one who should be apologizing) and we are kind of back to normal… Kind of. I still can’t help but feel disappointed.

        Haha, my fangirl friends are seriously awesome. What makes them more awesome is that they are all extreme fangirls for different things, so I always have somebody to run to when I just want to squee about something :P

        Ooh! Okay, so my #1 is Sherlock (JOHN WATSON AND SHERLOCK HOLMES <3 <3 <3 <3), which is followed by, in no particular order, Hannibal, Merlin (still very early in BUT OMG SUCH A GOOD SHOW!!!),Doctor Who, Supernatural (though I really need to catch up on that one), and I am also slowly getting pulled in to the greatness that is My Little Pony.

        • Chiara says:

          I know what you mean. Apologising when you don’t feel you should is the worst :(

          Aw, yay! I have found fangirling friends through blogging, and it’s amazing ;D

          OHMYGOSH YES JOHNLOCK. YAY Merlin <3 Ohhhh I haven't started MLP yet, but it looks adorable!

  2. Oh Chiara, I’m going to give you a massive hug too! *Huge Bear Hug* I haven’t read Fangirl but I can see why you relate to her so much. Sweetie, one day, you’ll find the one. I promise that someone will love you for all your perfect charms and perfect imperfections. I know how it feels to read a book when the girl pushes the perfect guy away. It hurts because you know that even so, she ends up with him anyway. While we’re here trying to find that guy without any luck.

    Sometimes the hurt goes away after awhile but the memories stay with you. And just remember that people come and go, some aren’t the best people but those are the people who make you the strongest. It’s hard to trust people after your trust has been shattered so many times but just remember that there are good people in world. And they’re looking for someone like you as well. Sometimes you have to put your heart out on a whim and just hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

    We all want our fairytale ending. And I believe that with hope, faith and love, we can all create our own fairytales. Count your life by smiles and not tears. But it’s okay to not be okay. Remember that you’re beautiful. Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter. It sounds like such a mainstream quote but it’s really true. There will always be people who love you for you.

    Good luck with everything Chiara! You’re super brave for sharing something like this. <3

    • Chiara says:

      *accepts big bear hug happily*

      Ohmygosh, Laura. Your comment is so beautiful, I cannot even begin to express how much it means to me.
      And I was definitely scared about sharing this much on the blog, but then comments like yours have made me feel so good about sharing it. You’re all making me feel so loved and I cannot thank you enough.

      You will get your fairytale ending, too! You’re so lovely and passionate and amazing. <3

  3. Emily says:

    Oh Chiara … *hugs* like I mentioned to you before, I think you are incredibly brave and open to share this with us. It’s beautifully written and thank you so much! People may demean your passions, your friends might drift away, but what’s most important is you continue being yourself, and you continue to be the strong girl you are!! All of us will find our Levi one day, and I’m 100% sure you will too!! There’s always someone somewhere out there who’s waiting for us, and I KNOW that you cannot give up hope!! Like Laura said, we can create our own fairy tales with faith hope and love, and you can too!! :)
    *tackle hugs* <3

    • Chiara says:

      *hugs back* Again, thank you for giving me the confidence to share this, Emily! I wouldn’t have done it without you.
      All the things you said are so beautiful, and I love you so much for saying them.
      We definitely all deserve our own Levis ^.^
      *tackle hugs back* <3 <3 <3

  4. This is such a beautifully written letter. One of the many great things about Fangirl is how much the readers can relate. I hope you find your Levi. I hope I do, too :)

  5. Oh Chiara I just want to hug you after this! Just be yourself and the wonderful person that you are and you will find your Levi one day, trust me on that. x

  6. Holy crap C3 you nearly made me cry with this letter <333 *MAJOR HUGS*

    I can understand so much because Fangirl touched me as well, although with not as many parallels in your case. We all would love a Levi in our lives and although for us it might not come as soon as he did for Cath, he is out there <3 We might not meet him today, tomorrow or even next year but it is going to happen eventually. It feels exasperating to keep on waiting and hoping and feeling like it's never going to happen but never give up hope and faith.

    I'm here whenever you need me C3 <3 Be it if you want to throw me a Merthur fic you just wrote or to just talk about anything random. You're super awesome C3 and I'm so grateful we managed to meet and become this crazy Merthur and Cevans-crazed pair *hugs*

    • Chiara says:

      DON’T CRY C2 <3 *major hugs back*

      I love you C2. I love everything you said in this comment, and I am finding it so hard to express how much everything that everyone has said on this post means to me.

      Thank you <3 I am so grateful to have met you, as well. You are amazing and creative and so accepting of this crazy fangirl, haha. And that offer goes both ways. I am here for anything and everything. Like CEVANS :D

  7. Lilaajune says:

    This is a beautiful written letter…. I relate to what you’re feeling here truly I do.

    The book boyfriends may not exist in perfectly formed packages like they do in our favorite books…. Hell the thing about relationships and love is that we have to accept our partners for all their crazy faults as much as they accept us yeah? And that can be a challenge ;)
    With that said… You will find someone who you can be completely yourself with… He won’t be perfect and your relationship will take work but he will love you for who you are just as you love him.
    *Hugs*

    • Chiara says:

      Thank you.

      I think acceptance of someone with all their positives and negatives is the best kind of love there can be. And what is life without a little challenge? :P

      Your words are so lovely, and thank you for sharing them. *hugs back*

  8. Chiara, do we share lives? Because I swear it’s like you read my mind when you wrote that letter. It’s almost scary how similar we are (but I guess that’s why you’re my wifey!)

    I wish I had all the words in the world to say what’s in my head but I guess I’ll just say that someday you’ll be like Cath and have that future and that hope. It may take longer than you hope, or longer than you like, but someday you’ll be there :)

    PS: ignore the stupid people who ridicule you for writing and reading. They’re boring anyway!

  9. I giving you a hug too, Chiara. I Haven’t read Fangirl yet but it sounds like a must read. Books are wonderful things aren’t they? It was very brave of you to share such a letter. I understand where you are coming from. I had an absent father growing up and had my trust broken many times and find it hard to trust people too. It makes life hard. I am lucky enough to have found a husband who loves me, loves all of my crazy self,(and trust me I have a lot of crazy moments) and I believe you will too. Don’t give up hope, love always comes when you least expect it.

    • Chiara says:

      Thank you, Rochelle! Fangirl is definitely an amazing read. I’m so glad you found someone who completely accepts you. There’s nothing better. Thank you for your beautiful words. <3

  10. I want to read this one so baaaadly!

  11. Brea Johnson says:

    Awh Chiara, girl! This is so sad to read, and heart breaking. I haven’t read Fangirl, but it’s so clear how much you and all of these wonderful people have connected to it.
    I have to say, ignore the people who consider your passions pointless. Write, read and adore your T.V series anyway. Hey, channel this emotion into your writing and create something amazing that you can be proud of, no matter what people say.
    And I just have to add, that even though this is in a letter(to a book) and online, you are sharing! You are opening up! Look at the small achievements, because some people have trouble doing even this.
    Big hugs! <3

    • Chiara says:

      It’s an amazing book because the story and characters are so incredibly real and relatable.

      I will never give up my passions, don’t worry! I am punching out fics like nothing else. And I am channelling it all into my current WIP. :)

      Exactly! It was a big step to publish this but everyone has been so beautifully accepting, I cannot thank you all enough.

      Big hugs back at you! <3

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